Perfectionism in Children

In this post, we will to talk about perfectionism in children and its remedy. For some of you, this may be the most important blog post you read in your life, for the very qualities we discuss here could make or break your children’s future. You may wonder why I say, “its remedy.” I’m talking about a debilitating perfectionism that becomes a hindrance, not an asset. Of course, many of us are dedicated to quality and go to great lengths to create it, myself included. That’s not what I’m referring to here. Rather, what I call “perfectionism” is the tendency in the child to wish to be perfect right now, and if they don’t match up, they lose motivation and self-esteem. Do you know anyone like that?

The Fear of Failure in Children

In my many years working with children, I have worked with all four temperaments, observing perfectionism most strongly in the melancholic and choleric temperaments. This is natural since these two are the least satisfied, both with themselves and the world.

At the heart of perfectionism – at least, as I have characterized it above – is the fear of failure. These children fear not being good enough, not making the cut. This can come from many sources – parents, teachers, religion, a cutthroat economic system, a ruggedly individualistic culture, being different, bullying, etc. Do you or other adults in the home struggle with this? If so, it wouldn’t be surprising if your children do as well because they absorb these tendencies by osmosis starting early in life.

My first recommendation for helping to overcome perfectionism in children, particularly your own, is to look at yourself. Where do you fear failure and why? How can you transform that tendency into a courageous willingness to make mistakes? Just answering that question for yourself can lead to tremendous breakthroughs with your children. However, I also have some suggestions below.

Building a Growth Mindset

Carol Dweck is a genius whose work has highlighted some key principles of motivating children. In this groundbreaking lecture, Dweck describes her research around how to build a growth mindset in children. First, she contrasts the “Tyranny of Now” with “Not Yet.” In a Chicago high school, she reports that students who didn’t pass got a grade of “Not Yet.” How brilliant this was! Instead of sending the message, “You failed,” it sent the message, “You haven’t succeeded yet.”

Dweck expands on the idea saying that “not yet” means they are still a work in progress. In Waldorf language, Rudolf Steiner said something to the tune of, “Most people want to be instead of become, and that is their problem.” So, let me ask you this question, “Is it better to be perfect or to become perfect?” Which would you feel more comfortable with?

Personally, I would choose the latter. “Being” perfect leaves us only one way to go, and that’s downward. It’s a lot of pressure, and think about what that mindset does to a child? “Becoming” perfect is a different game entirely. It’s a process, an evolution. Naturally, on this process there are going to be mistakes and learning, it’s all okay. After all, we’re on the way to perfection. Phew! I feel better already. Think for a moment how much more empowering that feels.

Tips and Tricks to Help Children Overcome Perfectionism

Here are some ideas to empower your children/students:

• Praise effort over result. Whatever the outcome of their activity, focus on their perseverance and determination more that on the outcome. They will then seek reward more in their hard work than in the result.
• Balance praise and criticism. In my classroom, I made sure that the best performers always had something to work on. For example, even after creating a glorious work of art, I might ask something like, “What if you added more texture to this part of your painting?” or something else. This sent the message, “No matter how good you are, you can always become better.” On the other hand, I made sure to find a strength in the work of even the lowest performers. Doing this kept their thinking alive and not stuck in the traps of “good” and “bad” which kill motivation. My approach kept my students in process.
• In a group of children, find a way for each of them to shine. Self-esteem translates to, “I’m valuable and have a place.” Maybe one student is not so good at math but is great at sculpture. Have her help the math whiz with his art and have him help her with her math. Consciously find a place for each student within the ecosystem of the whole.
• Change how you think about evaluating your students. In the Waldorf school, we never gave end-of-year tests to evaluate student performance. If you’re paying attention, you know what your students can do. It would be much better to write an essay describing their strengths and weaknesses, their gifts and area to improve. Then, it’s not about “making the cut” but about improving themselves. Again, that keeps them in process.
• Model for them how to laugh at yourself. I recommend learning clowning for this. I’ve found no better medicine for the perfectionist.

Aligning Ourselves with Reality

Is there a “cut” that we have to make to succeed in life? Our culture, schools and universities, media, commercials, and so on would have us believe there is, but is there? Sure, there are some basic standards like making sure we earn enough to pay our bills, live well enough to stay healthy, are friendly enough to have friends, etc.

While life does have natural measures, I am tempted to say that the only “cut” we have to make is our own. Some of the wisest human beings have said that our own view of ourselves is what matters most. We are the judge at the end of the day. If you believe people like Anita Moorjani and her near-death experience (NDE), self-acceptance could actually make the different between life and death.

How we therefore relate to mistakes and treat ourselves when they happen becomes everything because, let’s face it, we are all going to make mistakes. A lot of mistakes. Everyday, in fact. I used to tell my students not to fret the mistakes because it’s the only way to learn. There is actually no other way but to fail continuously until you succeed. So, in fact, we need mistakes, and the only way we become great is by making so many we can’t even count. In fact, we might even say that those who achieve greatness are the ones most willing to make the mistakes in life. Just ask someone like Derek Jeter, who is a great example of how I think we all want our children to become.

The Goal

Jeter retired from the Major Leagues with a lifetime batting average of .310, 3465 hits, 260 home runs, 5 gold gloves, and 5 World Series championships. How did he become so awesome? It was from a lifetime of perseverance. Sure, he had natural talent, but that alone would never have been enough to become what he became. I’ve seen numerous children of genius ability waste it in a lack of perseverance. Jeter, on the other hand, worked for years and years on his craft before ascending to Hall of Famer status. Such a thing can only happen in a state of becoming.

Dweck talks about the brain differences between children with a growth mindset vs. a fixed mind set. A group of students were given very challenging tasks. When faced with their mistakes, the brains of the growth mindset children lit up with problem solving. As Dweck says, their brains were “on fire with ‘yet!’” The brains of those with a fixed mindset showed little activity.

If the moral of the story isn’t clear yet it’s this: keeping your children in a state of becoming will help them overcome their perfectionism. This is important because life is challenging. But, is that a bad thing? Why does life give us challenges anyway? Is it because there’s something wrong with us or something right with us? What do you tell your children about challenges? Whose stories do you tell them? In the end, our goal in overcoming perfectionism in children is to breed resilience and even joy in them to meet challenges. Are you raising your children to “be” perfect now or to grow into a bigger future?