Don’t praise your children. Well, don’t praise your children for what they are but for what they do. So many of us trap ourselves in the habit of telling our children, “You’re so smart. You’re so good at this and that, etc.” Research and experience, however, show this is the wrong way to praise our children if we want to motivate them.
Carol Dweck is at the forefront of this research with her work on growth vs. fixed mindsets. She explains how focusing on what our children are rather than what they do limits them to a fixed mindset. Put another way, when we praise our children for traits like intelligence and talent, we calcify their thinking into nouns. Nouns are like stones – very hard to change. In this way, we influence our children to think like fatalists.
By contrast, verbs are like plants – they grow. When we focus on what our children do, we focus them on what they have the most power over. We should be mindful of this distinction in giving feedback. For example, when your seventh grader is writing an essay, instead of “Wow, you’re so smart!” say, “I can see you how you wrestled with that until expressed yourself clearly.” That communicates the significance of effort to achieve goals.
Why Not to Praise Your Children for What They Are
One of the most precious human capacities is living thinking. That is to say, thinking which remains in process and immune to fatalism. Most adults today harbor dead thinking without even realizing it. In fact, much that is wrong in the world today is because of dogma – religious and/or scientific.
Yet, living thinkers are the ones who remain creative. They are the problem solvers and leaders of the future. These folks dwell, as Dweck says, in “yet.” They see what they want to become, even if they aren’t there “yet,” and they keep moving towards it regardless of their present shortcomings. These are also the parents children look up to later in life.
Who Do You Want Your Children Becoming?
Many employers today report challenges maintaining a healthy, resilient workforce. Anecdotally, I’ve heard a number of Generation X’ers express how much weaker the rising generation seems to be than in the past. As a teacher, I’ve seen this in the classroom. No doubt, there are many factors behind this trend. These may include the meaning crisis, declining mental and physical health among youth, and others.
The way we raise our children is the ground of all of these. Who do we want our children becoming? Resilient and creative leaders? Successful business owners? Or, perhaps even simple folk capable of imparting meaning and direction to their own lives? No doubt, the details of their destinies are not up to us as parents. However, their capacity to successfully pursue and achieve their dreams has much to do with how we steward their young souls.
To give our children the best future possible, coax them to focus on what they can become rather than fixating on what they are. Encourage them, as Dweck says, to live for “yet.” Praise efforts, not traits. Reframe failures and challenges as opportunities for learning and growth. Realize in your own thinking that human wholeness is not a monolithic place of “be.” It is a continuous process of “become.” May all the good forces in the universe be as wind in your sails on this path. May good fortune meet your efforts to raise successful children.
How We Can Help
Enkindle Academy offers prerecorded and live lessons for students in grades 5-9. We teach all academic subjects plus fine arts, creative writing, and empowerment groups for teens. We also offer 1-on-1 tutoring on all subjects including academics and fine arts. Visit our website for more info and free sample lessons. Remember to subscribe for weekly updates, tips on homeschooling, and special offers.
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